Just trying to get away from the Everest sized pile of ironing that is completely outphasing me at the moment. I hate ironing with a passion. When I'm rich, I might pay someone to do it in future. And cook, and clean, and look after the kids..... :)
Well, my photoshoot was FABULOUS!! What a cracking guy the photographer was. I was so grateful, especially as he specialises in portraits so was a little out of his comfort zone... plus I may have ever so slightly come across as a touch fussy and bossy..? I just like perfection. "Can I have it with and without shadows?" "I don't like the dark background, I want white..." I have been eating, sleeping and breathing work lately and it has all been building up to this so I had to have it done to my standards, and I don't think he will have disappointed me. They looked amazing on his camera, so I can't wait to see. Not bothered about the ones of me though. I hate having my pic taken. He must have taken nearly 150 shots of my jewellery, but I loved how we set them up. I'll get every one of those pics too, so I have loads to choose from. I'll be sure to use him in future.
Can't get used to not having anything to do. But I was determined not to touch any of my work until I get back from Bucks. So I'm looking forward to getting back into it on Tuesday. Although I have done a bit of sneaky sketching....... I have put so much effort into it lately, I feel quite chuffed with myself. I am fully stocked again. Now I can take a step back for a few days, so it has coincided nicely with our weekend away. That is what I am suppposed to be doing now. Packing and ironing. But I'm knackered. Just having a bit of a break. Can't wait to get away though. Staying in my fave hotel, just down the road from Nick's sister. And we also get rid of Sian who is staying with her for the week!! :) I bloody well need this weekend. It will be nice to spend some quality time with Nicky too. Since lately I've been too busy for him. :( And of course after his QRSMC audits he needs it too. I love it down that way. Near Aylesbury, the Chilterns. Beautiful countryside, picturesque villages, classy people. Certainly different from round here!! Just not looking forward to the journey down later on..... :(

Finally got the whole of my new batch of jewellery completely finished late last night, but won't go on sale until the end of next week. I've booked a photoshoot for Wednesday for all my pieces, plus one or two of me for promo purposes. Can't wait for that. I'm so excited!! Nick was so enthusiastic about it all last night when he saw the finished pendants. He doesn't want me to sell half of them, that I should keep them. I have to keep telling him, it doesn't work like that. :D
I adore him for his support though. It means the absolute world to me. I can see my passion for it beginning to rub off on him. It's infectious!
Have another batch firing as we speak. It'll be torture being in work today, not being able to sneak a peak. Will have to sit on my hands!! I stayed late last night just to get that firing in. It is pretty eerie in that glass-house when you are alone. Pitch dark apart from the light above my head...the glow from the furnaces, the cracking and popping of the days used scrap glass cooling and contracting in the water troughs, sound of the air jets into the furnaces, the hum of the cooling fans.. I love it at night though. I can sit on the concrete floor shattering bits of cullet with my hammer, making as much mess as I want, although there is no evidence of that when it's time to leave. I'm very clean and tidy conscious, especially where broken glass is concerned.
I have to decide tonight what's more important, going straight from work to get an outfit for the christening on Sunday, or stay behind and get some polishing done.... Want to stay in work... :( I just have SO much on at the moment, I don't know if I'm coming or going. I have a permanent blinding headache. Nothing bad, just so many things to think about. I'm still happier than I've been in a long while though. I laugh a lot more than I have been lately. Being in work has been fab this week. Our workforce is the funniest, friendliest workforce that you could ever hope to find anywhere. I keep harping on about them, I know, but I just love each and every one of them. There is no other job on earth I don't think, where everyone is just so happy to be there. Morale is high, except when we had another power cut on thursday at a critical point in the new pot's firing schedule... It happens so often now. Power cuts at the worst possible times. Just have to wait a few days and see if damage has been done. But apart from that the future is looking golden. :)

Just waiting for my order of silver to arrive, so I can go out. Can't believe the price of silver at the moment. Nearly double what I was paying a bit back. Tried a cheaper supplier and ended up getting ripped off, I'm still positive to this day it was all silverplate. Looking forward to getting piccies taken though. Need them asap so I can do leaflets and a website. Managed to get a few contacts for website design. Going to do a FB page first. Already have some orders in, another girl getting married wants some red pendants making for the bridesmaids. There's five so it shouldn't be too much of a problem. 'Tis taking off nicely. Finding it hard to keep my stocks up. It seems I am constantly making moulds, which is a point, I need more SRS. Loving it more than ever though. I can see the improvement in each new batch I make. They are getting slicker and slicker. Plus my firings are more consistent. Not as many failures. Nick is getting more supportive too, now he has seen how it is taking off... :) He can see pound signs, and is already planning an early retirement!! Me on the other hand NEVER want to retire. I want to make glass until I die. Even got to thinking about furthering my education by going for my masters. Just for my benefit. As proof I can do it. Also thought about running courses in kiln-formed glass. That's another option for the future. I want everyone to see why glass casting and fusing is so exciting. I want to share that.

I was watching a programme last night... Don't Tell The Bride.. this was a cornish episode. It just reinforced my love of the place. The guy was a surfer, and what a lifestyle he had. Nick suddenly seemed quite keen to go, and we talked of nothing else all night. Nick's always been into windsurfing, and I have to say, he looks pretty damn hot in his wetsuit!! ;) He really wants to learn proper surfing, and to be honest, I would too. I'd have to learn to swim first though!! It's getting more torturous not being there, and to be honest, I am growing less and less fond of it round here. I don't mean The Lakes, it will always be beautiful here, but it is becoming more and more touristy and I resent that. I just hate Barrow, local towns, the people there... it will be nice to go where no one knows me and where the folk are more civilized. Nick is getting as excited as I am about our next chapter. He feels it's time for a change too.

I'm really happy at the moment. Everything is working out, I'm even sleeping better at night. Getting nearly a full 5 hours. Me and Nick are besotted again. Annoying Sian by being soppy when her friends are round. Haha! :D I've actually really missed the affection. I'm such a tactile person and hate not being hugged all the time. Sad eh? :( It's nice having someone to curl up infront of the fire with and fall asleep on again. Watch silly films with. Play-fight with. It's weird. It kinda feels as though we have started from scratch again. Even though we have Sian and Corey, but we just talk so much more. I feel butterflies again. Even something little like a kiss on the back of my head as I'm washing up. We find we WANT to spend time together whereas from about a year ago, we avoided each other a lot. Not all the time, but too much. It's still early days, things were still crap up until a couple of weeks ago, well sooner than that I guess, but although I still have my odd dark days, the sunshine is coming back in my life again. And I can honestly say hand on heart that I am truly happy and contented. For the first time in a long time. :)

AAARRGGH!! Still no post!! Wish it would hurry up. :(

Was so proud of my daughter Sian last night, going swimming with Corey at his friends party. I do put on her alot. I was sitting with Nick in the cafe with a hot chocolate watching her look after him because she's a really strong swimmer. Every one of the other parents saying how beautiful Sian is. I just felt so proud. She really is, with a figure to die for. Thank goodness she doesn't take after me. She's definitely a Clark.

Have to go to the dentist at lunchtime. Really scared. I usually have to be sedated before I can even set off, but I have run out of valium, and so have to face him without being under the influence for once. Broken out in a cold sweat already. I chipped a tooth on a boiled sweet, and if it wasn't my front tooth, I'd have been tempted to leave it. Will be a right state in a couple of hours...... Right, think positive thoughts...............................Hmmmm....he does botox and collagen fillers too. Would love the permanently surprised look.... Do I need my lips plumping up at the same time????
My wonderful hubby has just got 100% in all his QRSMA audits bar one (99%) so I am so proud of him. That's for every plant in the north-west. No one works as hard as him or puts in so many hours and this reflects that. Even when he's home, he's permanently on his laptop working. I'll have to treat him tonight when he gets back. He sounds happier now. He always gets so stressed when these audits come around. Even better that we have our romantic weekend away in 2 weeks... can't wait!! ;) Just love to be loved and to love..... :)

Well, I'd better go and get some ordering done, my supplies are dwindling and I need to fit my silver to prepare for a photoshoot next week. Then dentist, christening prezzie, pop round to see my best friend, then chill.... :) xx

Went for ultrasound scan this morning. Didn't get a single bit of sleep all night for worrying about it. In fact Nick rearranged his work, so he could drive me through since he said there was no way he was letting me drive in that state. I was wide awake though, and anyway, I drove myself down to Barrow later on. They found nothing. But she did say that the stomach and intestines don't show up on a scan. The rest of my organs are fine, so she told me to go and book an appointment with my GP as soon as I get home for further tests. Forget it. I've had it with doctors and hospitals. I haven't had that pain for a few days anyway, so no point in wasting anymore of anyone's time. I know I might sound stubborn and stupid, but I am SO frustrated at the moment. With everything. There's plenty of people who are so much worse off than me, so how selfish do I sound whinging about me, me, me all the time?? I think the best bet is to just sit back and what will be, will be. I hate fuss. Always have, always will. I know I'm fine, I really am. I did appreciate Nick being there actually. The fact he's worried about me at the moment is quite comforting. Although I hate being worried about usually, but I crave his attention now. I want that concern from him and him alone. Sounds stupid, doesn't it? I just wanted him to stay at home with me, and not go back into work.
Oh well. I did intend on catching up on some sleep this afternoon, but my jewellery is calling me. I need to drill my new pieces, and set some stones. Maybe get into work later on if I feel up to it.

Was really looking forward to getting into work today. Had so much to do. I had a really good natter with the factory manager about the likelihood of getting back into the hotshop again, which was really promising but I still feel really torn between that and PR work. Nick is pushing me into the PR side, because it's much more lucrative and will benefit my own business. It's a skill that will enable me to work anywhere, where as glassmaking isn't as easy to work in if we move away. I know he's right. The money will be fab, and it means we could move to Cornwall sooner rather than later......but.........I'm a glassmaker at heart. What do I do??? Money doesn't always equal happiness, and I can't do both. I need to think some more.
Anyway, the rest of the day was ok, up until I started polishing. I missed out a whole stage of grinding, trying to get it done quicker so I could get back home to Nick, but after buffing my pieces with Xerox powder, found all the lines, from the previous grinding stage. So I have to go back to the last disc all over again. I am furious with myself. That is the kind of thing I just don't do. It has to wait until Tuesday now.
Have more moulds to make tonight, and then I'm not far off being ready for a photoshoot. I hope. So a late night for me again. Not that I'll sleep anyway. I am worrying myself sick about my scan tomorrow...... :(

Will fill this in even though I can barely see straight. Waiting for painkillers to kick in. I have the worst headache ever this morning. Had it last night too. I know it's worry. I was ok up until yesterday. It seems everyone's talking about death at the moment, and then it hit me that I have my scan on Monday, and yes, as usual, I fear the worst. What if it's something serious? Of course it will be serious!! It's me!! That is my life at the moment. It doesn't rain, it pours. To be honest, I am scared. Plus I have to go alone. I never go for things like that alone. I feel panicky. I know I sound a bit irrational, but I have to look at all possibilities. And I guess I'm a touch tired too, which always makes things seem worse.
Worried about work too. Was asked yesterday what I would prefer to do. Make glass, OR work in PR. I'd love to do both but they are both full time jobs. I've never been put in a position where I've been asked to decide what job I'd like to do before. I love glass-making, it's what I went to uni for, but the idea of PR work is so exciting too. I'd have to travel around a bit, and I do know all there is to know about our lead crystal and the company. I've been given time to decide, but I am torn. A full time job, and my jewellery on the side? I think I could handle the work load. Just more things to add to everything else on my mind. There's no way I would give up my jewellery. But I have to prepare myself for having hardly any free time. I just don't know. I feel as though my head is going to explode at the moment. I can't arrange things into any kind of order in my mind. It's chaos in there. I just want to be in a position where I don't have to worry about money or providing for my kids anymore. Wish I could just win the lottery tonight. No actually, I'd STILL insist on working..... I'm just one crazy, loopy, screwed up girl. Now I am insisting on a nice day out somewhere. Try and take my mind off things a bit.......

Feeling really yukky today, but thought I'd fill this in before I drag my sorry backside into work. Up since 4.00am lying in a hot bath with that pain again, wish the hospital would hurry up with that scan appointment!! Nicks poor personal assistant had to witness the horrific apparition of me at 7.00am this morning looking bedraggled, doubled up, no make-up, wild hair, practically crying into a mug of tea!! Usually I wouldn't let anyone see that, but I couldn't care less today. I shouldn't be going anywhere. But the lure of what lies in my kiln is too strong an urge to resist!! I should be staying at home on the sofa, but it's not me to sit and lounge around all day, I HAVE to do something!! Anyway, I had a lazy day yesterday, so feel guilty about that. I still ache from Monday, aswell. Blimey, I'm just falling to bits!! Don't think I'll put in a full day as I intended though. But I might do tomorrow instead. Anyway finishing getting myself looking as human as possible, then I'm off. :)

Well, Rob and Jitka have my utmost respect. Because today, the whole of my upper body aches like crazy. My ribs, my shoulders, my arms, hands, back, hell, even my boobs are wrecking!! All for one tiny glass bowl. The thought of cutting something big like a centre bowl with an intricate patten, would make me break out in a cold sweat. I didn't realise just how physically weak I am!! Better dust off my rowing machine......
Saying that though, I did have an amazing morning yesterday. I think I can really use that in my jewellery. Suddenly I have a whole new range in mind...... :)


Well, been up since 3.15 this morning, so managed a few hours sleep again... not bad. Now can't decide what to do with my day. I think I'll give work a miss, in too much pain, and anyway, my kiln won't be ready until tomorrow, so I'll go in then, and then I can start polishing on Thursday. If I go in today, I will be tempted to peek inside my kiln, and I know it will still be too hot. I have fallen foul of my impatience in the past, where on opening the lid, I hear a sickening 'ping!' and then have to sit and curse and remind myself about 'thermal shock' and how it is the reason you just don't do it until it is cold!!

Now I am going to blitz this place in the hope of FINALLY getting some paint on the walls at some point today!!

I look in the mirror and all I see is blonde hair, make-up and big boobs. Cheap and tacky. The bimbo look is fine on an 18 year old, but I despise it with a passion. I hate it on anyone. HATE IT!! So.... hair appointment is booked for two weeks today, going dark brown and short. And can't wait. Stage two of the new me. :)
Big problems yesterday. I knew as soon as I saw the look on David's face, the pot in the furnace had gone. This is so bloody crap. The fan for the furnace packs in on Wednesday night when no one is around, the alarms malfunction so nobody discovers it until the next day, by which time it's dropped from 1395'C down to 900'C. There was no way that pot was ever going to survive. It's just one thing after another at the moment. The only solution is a new furnace, but £600,000??? I can understand the reluctance. It sucks because I am dying to get into the glass-house. I want to work with hot glass again. I have so many ideas I want to try.
But hey!!!! Glass cutting today!! I can't wait. Done a fabulous design on a bowl that I want to try out. So, so excited. Lol!! Only me would go rushing into work on their day off. It's crazy!! But see where I work and who I work with and all becomes clear..... :)
Otherwise, had a rotten day really yesterday. Kiln playing up again, but fired it regardless, at least I can keep check on it today.... just general day of mishaps. Oh, added to by a friend, going nuts on me. Although, sadly, it would have affected me less if I didn't care about them. Sad really. I must be soft. I think it was childish on both parts. I hate arguing with anyone. It is just such an unecessary waste of time and emotion. Made worse by it being over something so trivial. I think basically, I'm not used to people trying to deliberately upset me. I tend to be mollycoddled a lot. Even by people at work. I'm a lot tougher than people give me credit for. Yes I hurt easily, I'm only human, but I can hold my own, and it is part of the new me, that I am going to say what I feel a lot more. But I reckon it was just a shock to the system to get into that situation. It's different when it's my husband, I can scream and rant for days!! But friends? Nope. Shouldn't be like that. However. Totally over it now. New day and all. I'm not one to hold grudges. THAT would be childish.
So anyway..... I was a touch upset on getting home, obviously I'm still really touchy still at the minute. Nick was worried about me so we decided to get away for a weekend as we both need it, we are both completely on edge and have come closer to splitting recently than I ever want to be again. So booking a weekend in Buckinghamshire in October. He's been amazing this past couple of weeks. And on seeing me get a bit teary last night, he reminded me of all I have achieved in my life considering the odds were stacked against me. Having my daughter at 19. To bring up two kids on not an awful lot of money, to still put myself through uni and get a good mark in my degree whilst being a full time mum, to work right from the start, sometimes having several jobs, and now starting up my own business, which is still in the developmental stages. When he puts it like that, I think, actually, yeah. I should be proud. I always felt I'd missed out on loads, but when the kids have left home we will still be young enough to travel the world and do everything we've dreamed of, and we will have the money to do that. We are both very ambitious people, and Nick is the cleverest person I've ever met. Naturally gifted. Hopefully we'll be in a position to be able to retire early. So that cheered me up. We decided we are going to go away more. I mean, we can afford it, we just need to treat ourselves a bit more often instead of frittering our money away on crap. Nice holidays etc...
Anyhoo..... back to today, just straightening hair then off to work. Yippee!!! :) xx

I have the worst headache EVER this morning. Right across behind my eyes. But it could be the fact I was lying awake all night counting the beams across my bedroom ceiling. Surely I should be really feeling the effects of no sleep by now, but I think my body has just adjusted to it. I actually feel fine. Looking forward to work today. Get another firing in hopefully, and need to get some grinding done. Then tomorrow I am cutting which I am really excited about. Better remember Kevlar gloves, or else knowing me, it is highly likely I will lose a finger on the diamond wheels!! Oh, more good news I forgot to mention, the other day, after moaning about how slow my boss was in paying me for my jewellery, I found a big fat cheque from him!! Now I feel guilty, it was dated the end of August. Oops. At least my business account will look a lot healthier when I deposit it on Monday. :)

Went for a lovely drive out with Nick and Corey yesterday. The weather was so beautiful, but it was slightly marred by an emergency residents meeting at lunchtime over a greedy local landowner who has had some stupid plans passed which will disrupt our road immensely. We've been fighting them for years and we finally won a few months ago, so to find out this yesterday just proves what an underhand slimy little sod this guy is. So sneaky. Probably all backhanders too. I hate people who are powered purely by money. It is everything I hate in a person. This guy already owns most of our village. It is pure greed. Thankfully I will never be like that. I have morals. I was going to say, I can sleep at night, but that wouldn't be strictly accurate at the moment... lol! Anyway. I'm not whinging. The dishes are done..... I guess. I believe in karma. I hope he goes bust. :(



Well, need to finish getting ready for work, will add to later, after my wonderful day. :)

Had by far the happiest day on Thursday that I've had in the past couple of months. Had such a laugh in the factory. We do have an amazing team. Our little Cumbria Crystal family. :) Had some really positive news too. Don't want to jinx anything by mouthing off on here, but workwise, if all works out, I should be making some really decent money by the New Year. Another step closer to my granite Cornish cottage.... Everything is falling into place, and it would be really lovely to take some of the pressure off Nick for once. I want him to start to persue his dreams too, and this may mean he is able to do that. I want him to be happy, and I know how stressed he is at the moment which is part of the problem. I want us ALL to be happy. I actually managed to get 3.5ish hours sleep last night, that's the longest yet, and it's because I felt calm and contented after sitting talking things through last night. Still a bit restless, when I got into bed, but Nick cuddled me, instead of shouting at me for a change. :)


Yesterday was a chaotic day. Completely and utterly chaotic. Phonecall after phonecall, generally rushed off my feet. So, so tired.....but I love that. :) Busy days make me happy. Woke up feeling fairly positive, had 3ish hours sleep which is good for me. Then ended up in a fractious mood before work, by someone determined to ruin my day... completely unsuccessfully.... Had a good blitz of my house as soon as I got home, then felt a bit anxious when it started to get dark, but there was such an amazing bright full moon, I decided to go for a drive down the coast road, where I just sat on my car bonnet mulling things through. Happy though. It was so pretty, and quiet. I came home later on, watched the Hangover, and then sat putting the world to rights with my ex 'til late. Love him dearly.

Had about the same amount of sleep last night, but feeling bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Just had Sky round to move my dish, and now trying to decide whether to paint walls, or go out, maybe kayaking. Might be the last chance this year. It is a beautiful day. Really don't want to waste it. I'll get out somewhere. Stick my wellies on and go for a wander. :)

I did a lot of thinking whilst awake last night. A LOT. I pulled apart my whole persona and figured a few things out. I am so fed up of peoples perceptions of me, after an in depth conversation with Nick earlier in the evening, which made me leave the room to sit and cry quietly with frustration. I know I've created this dizzy character, interested in hair and makeup a bit of an airhead, but I have no idea why. A confidence thing I guess, because I am so much deeper than that. More than people realise. It's funny really, especially at work, when I start talking to customers about glass-making I can see the surprise in their faces that I actually know what I'm talking about, and can answer anything. I hate that. I hate that everyones perception of me is of a ditzy blonde, yet for some reason I play on it all the time. I'm really a very astute person. I analyse peoples characters, I know when people are lying, being dishonest, being deceitful, and I despise that people lie to me and think they can get away with it because they think I'm too stupid to realise. How dare they? They are wrong. I know. I may not pick them up on it, but I do know when I am being deceived, and I will not allow it any longer. I'm guilty of it myself in the past. I know the signs, the body language. I am NOT a stupid dumb blonde. I have feelings. I have a heart. This is one of the changes to my life that I am going to make. The ditzy giggly Adele is going to be killed off. What's left will be the confident designer/maker, who is ambitious, successful, and won't be taken for a fool any longer. The blonde is going. The makeup is being toned down. I have never ever strived to be remotely pretty, that isn't what I want to achieve. I am not a beautiful person. It's just a mask I hide behind. But it is that, that makes people treat me the way they do. The true me, the 33 year old married mum, hardworking owner of her own business is what I want to concentrate on now. People can like it or lump it, they can accept me for who I am, or not. It makes no odds to me. There are people I NEED to remove from my life, that are hindering me, that constantly lie to me and can't even be honest to themselves. Then there are those who are so important to me. That I cherish, that I love dearly and are a vital part of my life. I know this may sound pretty drastic but it is something that has been on my mind all night .and is so important to me.

I got a block of 2.5 hours sleep last night which I was pleased about, albeit on the sofa. ...maybe that's the answer..... But it meant I was even more tired on waking up. I did as I was advised last night, after tossing and turning and tangling myself up in my duvet, driving Nick insane... so I got up and pottered about downstairs. Started rereading Pride and Prejudice for the umpteenth time, watched Sherlock Holmes, (spot the Cumbria Crystal) and then put my wellies on and wandered round the garden for a few minutes, in the pitch dark, in my bathrobe. Nick said this morning that he can't stand much more, well hey, welcome to MY flaming world!! Then I was so tired this morning I nearly came a cropper round the lanes with one of Nick's lorries. So I guess he will hear about that and give him something else to have a go at me for tonight. But one step at a time, yes? At least I got a bit of sleep. Right, stop moaning......

Today I have to sort out all my receipts, since I have to do my accounts myself now. Wish I had some better organisational skills. Then after lunch, phone docs for some blood test results. Just the usual crap.

I really can't think straight at the minute. I have so much going on, am falling out with folk left, right and centre, most of them know I'm not like that really, I hope. I suppose it's easier to blow up at family than friends. Usually I will go out of my way for anyone, but I am putting on people at the moment, that really don't need it. I am furious at myself for being so selfish. I am mortified that I keep forgetting to ask how other people are doing, as though my problems are greater than theirs! As soon as I sort out my lack of sleep I'll be on my way then I'll sit back and survey the damage I've caused along that road, and try and put things right. If only I could switch my mind off. Things are constantly flashing through it. Worries. Worrying about me, worrying about others. Just really hating the person I'm becoming, and I am scared others are too. I'm not joking when I say that I was so confident once. So bubbly, affectionate... gosh... tears..... :'( I really, desperately want to be that girl again.

Can't wait to get into work tomorrow. It's the only place I feel truly happy. I can laugh and be myself, then I dread going home, which is why I tend to stick around and have the factory to myself to get on with my own work. I am looking forward to checking my kiln when I get in, and hopefully getting another firing in. I have made some fab moulds! I am dying to see how they turn out!! Beautiful colours of Bullseye glass. I've been saving this glass for something special, it's so damn expensive to buy. I'm so used to working with lead crystal, and this is a little bit different. I may order some more silver this afternoon. Plus I still need to arrange a photoshoot asap. :)

Guess I'd better make a start on these accounts, before this laptop blows up from being cried into!! Lol. xx

Not going to say it..... but yes, another restless night, blah, blah, blah...... I did actually go and see the doctor last night, hubby's orders. I have pages and pages of advice notes about insomnia, which I will sit and read through today. Loads of relaxation techniques, so I'm hoping they will help a bit. Really don't want to go down the road of sleeping pills though. I just know I'd end up hooked, and I try and avoid medication at all costs. Anyway, she seemed more concerned about the pain I've been in lately and has booked me in for an ultrasound scan to find out what is going on. Yet more worry then. It really is one thing after another at the moment. At least a good thing is me and Nick seem to be getting on better now. I realise now, it would be so hard to lose him. I have so much to be grateful to him for. My whole lifestyle is down to him. I don't mean that in a materialistic way, because I don't need material things to make me happy as long as I have people I love, but I recognise the sacrifices he has made. His job is stressful, but I am so proud of how far he has worked his way up through his company. I always tell him I'm proud of him, and try to encourage him. I just want him to be happy in whatever he does. He could do any job, and I'd support him no matter what. But I do need that support back.

Anyway, back to today.... I'm going to make a few more moulds, have a tidy round, then put my feet up with a coffee and read all this insomnia info. Nearly had Corey off school with a cough and a temperature, but he seemed ok after breakfast so I sent him anyway. He came up to our bed at about 4.30am, and he was roasting. He only ever comes up to our bed if he's feeling ill.

Feel quite peaceful, this morning. I'm looking out across the fields and the weather is really quite pleasant. I may stick on my wellies after and go for a wander through Henning Woods.

I am completely exhausted. Going to go and see doctor today but I have so much to do. Had that bloody pain back last night. Never experienced anything like it. Started about midnight, and I actually vomitted, I was in so much agony. Sat in tears on the end of the bed. This is happening so frequently now. Getting really worried. Right through my chest and back, to the point where I can't breathe and all I can do is lie in a hot bath. Which I did, for hours on end. So yet again no sleep. I think maybe I pushed myself a bit too hard yesterday at work, then carried it on as soon as I got back home. Just so much I want to do. I have to get my stock levels up again, and it's bloody hard work! I have to keep busy though. I don't know what to do with myself when I have nothing to do. Will never give anyone a reason to call me lazy!! Nick told me he's worried about me which I found comforting. He said I'm going to run myself into an early grave. I know he cares. He put his arm round me and said you don't realise what you've got until there's a chance you may lose it. It made me cry. I want to always mean something to him. I think things may just be ok between us. I have this daft need to be wanted and loved, all the time. I've hated thinking he doesn't care. The fear of being on my own has frightened me, I'll admit that. I just want someone to share my dreams with. I worry about whether I would work on my own. I think that's partly why I feel so ill all the time. But surely I deserve some happiness? I can't have anyone in my life who will hold me back though. I need constant support and encouragement.

Back to work, I had a wonderful result from my firing yesterday, so I can't wait to get those pieces polished up. Then even managed to get another firing in before I left. Somebody gave me a load of gold leaf, which I've incorporated into a couple of pieces, just to test, so will be intrigued as to how they turn out. I don't think it will work though. They'll go either black or red I reckon. Love experimenting though.

Anyway, taken kids to school, got some invoices to get in order, then phoning the doctor. Hopefully put an end to this feeling nasty all the time. I think moulds can wait for today.

Ooooh, been slacking with this.... what have I been up to..... mostly work, work, work. Just cast another batch of moulds, which are drying, but I'll pop them on the back of one of the furnaces tomorrow for speed, so HOPEFULLY will get another firing in on Friday ready for Sunday. Getting a fair bit of stock together now. Feeling a bit skint at the moment, this month has been hell for spending, so hopefully I should be getting a nice big fat cheque from my boss for my jewellery which I've sold lately, or he's going to find himself hit with my next invoice, which is for nearly double!! Hoping to get enough together to send out to prospective buyers before Christmas.
Had a much needed couple of days away from home, just had to have a change of scenery before I completely lost the plot.... It was good, and I felt inspired looking at various jewellery in shop windows.
I'm in a pretty good place at the moment, I think. Things at home are good, touch wood, workwise it's great.... Still feel like there's something niggling though at the back of my mind, and I think it's my desire to move away but I know I'm tied here for a while which is so frustrating. I keep tormenting myself with all the Cornish websites and property pages. Just want to time travel a few years into the future to my little cosy granite cottage, down the Lizard penninsula way looking out towards the lonely silouettes of the old ruined engine houses dotted around, the sea beyond. My solitude. To do as I please..... That is my next dream. I'm already on my way to realising my first dream, my jewellery business actually being successful. I am trying so hard.
Oh, also been looking at courses today. Just want some other qualification. I'm 33 and just don't feel like I've achieved anything much. I think I'm of the mindset at the moment that everything I've ever wanted to do, I'm going to go for it. So I'm looking at silversmithing, and oilpainting restoration courses. Both of which I've always wanted to do. I just need some other focus. Anything to help me achieve my dreams. Now all that's stopping me from disappearing off into the sunset, are my kids. I can't disrupt Sian. Corey wouldn't care, but my daughter is so, so settled here, and I don't know if I could change that yet.
But I am so determined, to the point of being ruthless. I've not even asked anyones advice, not even my parents, because I'm not interested in their opinion. It isn't a case of "Should I," it's more a case of "I am." Sound selfish? Probably. Maybe I am just chasing rainbows, but it's time for me, for a change.

Ever have one of those days, where you can singlehandedly destroy everything in a split second? That's every day for me at the moment. I'm in such a destructive mood. Everything that happens is negative. I haven't been sleeping or eating, (lost weight though...:) but everyone is getting it in the neck. Friends, family, workmates. Fed up of hearing that I've changed. I know I have. You think I like it?? I am working so hard to sort myself out, but I think that the way I'm going about it is wrong. I tend to just immerse myself in work, like today. Or go on a spending spree, like yesterday...:-s (waiting for a delivery this morning....) Instead I should be surrounding myself with people who I care for, and who care for me... But I'll be the old bubbly me again. In a few years maybe... ;) But seriously, I'm struggling. I admit that. It's still raw and difficult. No one really understands either. I accept that. I want to just release this pent up emotion which I've been bottling up for so long. I know I'm going to just explode at some point. I can't go on like this for much longer. I think I need to get away by myself for a bit....

Now to take advantage of the silence in this house. Kids back at school and a tonne of work to get through...... No rest for the wicked....

Another sleepless night. So many thoughts swirling round my head. Feeling a touch used and abused, but hey, used to that at the moment! Corey's first day back, so a little sad. Will miss my little monkey!! Then as soon as I get back, a big splurge in the Next Directory is needed. :) Fill the rest in later on...... :)

Had a wonderful day today. Got so much grinding and polishing done. Worth about £800 when finished. I was in seventh heaven. How amazingly happy I can be doing something that I love so much. When one of our guys said to me, "Adele, you've got that fire back in your eyes again. That spark, that has been missing recently," I knew exactly what he meant. And now tonight, I am even more determined. Especially now knowing that the only person I can trust in the world is myself. From now on, it is me and me alone. I will work to provide for my kids, but I need no one else... I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. I proved that today, by working through far more pieces than I ever have in that space of time. I was unashamedly proud of myself, proud of the fact I have my job, I run my own business and I have two beautiful children who will always love me no matter what. Further proof that I am on my way.... and the future looks golden. :)

Looking forward to going into work this morning. I can just get on and switch off. It's like one step forward and two steps back at the moment. I have been nearly back to my bubbly self during the day but for some frustrating reason, night time, I dread. I can't afford to become an insomniac, but that seems to be the way I'm headed. I refuse to take any pills for it. The worst part is getting up in such a nowty mood. I know exactly why I'm not sleeping, but I'm dealing with things my own way. All I crave is for it all to go away, for these past few months to not have happened. Hell I wish I could talk to people about it. I have been given so many chances, but bottling it up is the only thing I can do. I just close up.

Anyway, I will be absolutely fine in an hour or two. I know someone who will cheer me up later when they come in. :)

On a good note the kids are back at school this week, so it gives me chance to concentrate on me for a change. I need to be alone so desperately.

Ok, I did have fun today. Well most of today, did read an article in one of my mags that had me in floods of tears, but hey. I'm an emotional wreck at the moment anyway, just normal. But my day started off with finding one of my fave customers waiting for me at the front door when I arrived. Favourite because he owns an Aston Martin, and a whole fleet of fabulous cars..... and by the way, he's old. And very, very posh. But hell! I will flirt with anyone who has money. Not in a shallow way, but..... nah. Ok. In a shallow way. Which is odd, because money makes no difference to me. I am comfortably well off, but would take penniless and happy, over money any day of the week. It's just a bit of fun. And it greatly amuses our engraver. But anyway, this guy is bringing a whole Aston Martin owners club to see us, so I will be drooling over all the wonderful cars parked outside. I'll have one of my own one day anyway. Or maybe a Bentley Continental. Ferrari?? Ok, just dreaming again.
Also exchanged a few texts with a special person who I'm a bit worried about, so I just like to check in on him now and again. I was relieved to find him ok. Maybe it's the caring side of me, but he's really been there for me lately, I have to repay the favour. Will maybe surprise him with a visit next week. Haven't seen him in years, and it's just lately I've realised how valuable some people are to me.
But, all in all, just had a really, really good laugh with the guys today. Laughed 'til I've cried. Everyone's trying to arrange another night out which is always fabulous. So can't wait for that. Not got any jewellery done today so I'll have to catch up with that on Sunday. Started off trying to remove some sparklies from a couple of pendants, foolishly with a scalpel. Ignoring everyone saying "You're gonna go through your hand doing it like that!!" I ended up stabbing myself in the palm of my hand. Not one to heed warnings, me.
Owt else??? Oh just had a blazing row with the other half over the phone on his way home, so he can go to hell. But apart from that everything is just fine. :)

Feeling really good this morning. Think things are finally looking like they're headed in the right direction now. Me and Nick seem to be back on a track of sorts. Still ups and downs though. I feel really guilty, not sure why, but I've been mean. We both have. But I look at him snuggled up with little Corey at night both asleep, and my heart melts. I've been selfish and moody, miserable, but I'm trying harder and harder each day. I want things to go back to normal, but better. But I need a change. Whether it is a move away, with the family or alone, that is what I am focussing on. I love it round here so much, who wouldn't living right on the edge of the Lake District? But I'm bored. I've missed out on so much, and I know I will get my chance to live my life how I want, but I'm impatient. I'm a now or never person. I keep on looking at the property websites for Cornwall. I am really happy that the property prices are so realistic there too. It's my dream of living within walking distance of Mullion Cove or Kynance.... soppy, but late evening walks on the beach with the sea breeze in my hair when it's quiet and peaceful...heaven. My cosy warm studio next to my cottage with views across the Atlantic Sea.... I just want to cry because I want it so much. I know I go on and on about this all the time, but I'm not just sitting daydreaming of it all the time. I'm working goddam hard to make it a reality!

My jobs for today involve, well, I've already ripped out the old elements from an old kiln in my outhouse, I'm going to hammerite the whole thing shortly then scour the internet looking for a control panel for it.

It is such a stunningly beautiful day today, would have been perfect for a walk along the cliffs towards Botallack..... damn!! I'm off daydreaming again!! One day Adz...... Patience......... :)

Well...... today.... Started off a bit teary, another sleepless night, but I'm ok now. Just had the insurers round to assess the damage to the TV thanks to Corey. Just have to wait to hear back.

Trying to find the stamina to make some moulds at the moment. Do I need the mess and the aching muscles?? Nah. It can wait 'til later.

Things seem to be picking up for me at the moment. Careerwise anyhow. Gradually building up stock again, put in a new order for supplies, have a photographer lined up.... next plan is to set up my website and get some flyers and cards printed. Then get out there and sell!!!! I am really excited about the future. Keep finding myself looking at property websites for Cornwall. I know it's early days but my dreams will come true one day soon. That, I will make sure of.

Now I can't decide between shopping, or drawing..........

Busy, busy, busy day. Love Sundays in the factory. I have the whole place to myself. All the grinders, polishers, no one getting in my way. So peaceful. Just the sound of blasts of air into the furnaces keeping the place all toasty and warm. Got loads and loads done. Loved it! Love being covered in white pumice powder. The dirtier I get, the more I know I've achieved. I have no nails left, thanks to the flat-bed, or the knuckle on my index finger thanks to a momentary lapse in concentration but I don't care. Wasn't bothered about the blood everywhere from it either. I just end up so focused on what I'm doing I tend to switch off. Managed to prime my kiln too, which I just keep putting off because it was WAY overdue. Priming it isn't the problem, removing all the old primer is horrendous, and a sure fire way of ending up with silicosis in later life if not done properly.
I am so determined at the moment. My jewellery is the most important thing to me now. (Apart from the kids) Damn I want to be rich!! I can do this. I know I can. :)

May aswell fill this in whilst I'm having a good day. Just had a busy morning, moulds, designs, bath, and renewing subscriptions. I have decided to relaunch my company under a new name because so many things have changed for me recently, it just feels right, and I've yet to build up my reputation, still early days, so it's a good time. I'm really excited again now. I've missed the enthusiasm which I always had, and now is back again. The name?? It's a secret for now. ;) All will be revealed as soon as I have built up supplies again. Feeling really positive, but I'm not getting too complacent, as I know I am very irritable at the moment, so can change at a moments notice. However, at the minute....13.06 to be precise, all is good. :)

Hit a real low. I am drifting between feeling ecstatically happy one minute, then severely down the next and it just goes on and on. Just been accused of pushing a very special person away, and I know I don't mean to. I just feel so self-conscious at the moment and I feel as though I would be exposing my negativity which is not something I want to do. I am getting better though, bad days are getting less. I'm just so lucky I have such wonderful support, just hope I can return the favour someday......

Just don't know what I'm doing anymore.... everything is changing so quickly. I'm not the same girl I was a few weeks ago, and I'm concerned.....

Just gettting over the worst couple of weeks of my whole life. I am not exaggerating when I say I've been to hell and back, and most likely where I will end up again. I would not wish what I've been through on anyone, and I can only hope that I can find the strength to get through the coming months. I know I will be fine eventually. Wish I could pour my heart out on here, but I can't. This is just a bit of an outlet for my emotions, so bear with me. Thankfully it has made me realise just who are the important ones in my life, the ones I have felt able to confide in. Even the ones who I can't talk to have been amazingly supportive, even though they have no idea what I've been through lately. I know I haven't been my usual bubbly self, which has caused a lot of speculation, but I'm getting there. I will have good days and bad days for a bit. Days where I want to be left alone, and days when I just want to be held tight and cuddled. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now. It's just so very hard. Although a good thing is that all this has made me re-evaluate my life, and made me even more determined to succeed at whatever I do. I'm not just going to dream anymore, I am going to make it happen!

I know I'm neglecting this. It's just too difficult to fill in right now. Hope to be back to normal in a month or so. Things just too hard to cope with, my simple ordinary life has been rocked to it's core and although I'm surrounded by wonderful friends and family, all I feel at the moment is overwhelming loneliness, from all my own doing. I WILL get through this though and will be back stronger and more determined than ever to make my life the success that I always dreamed of. Where I'll be and what I'll be doing remains to be seen. If I AM still here, then God, things will be different.

Am tired, headachy, at the end of my tether. Seriously.

On a positive note, my dad is coming home tomorrow after his op on Thursday.

Onwards and upwards. I refuse to mope around forever. It is not my style. What will be, will be and there is nothing I can do about it. Had a bit of a rough day yesterday, inadvertantly upset someone who I really didn't want upsetting, thanks to a friend who didn't listen to me. Seem to be a lot of those people at the moment, not listening to me. Think things are all smoothed over now, I hope. Was upset at the time, but I understand good intentions. I hope there is no lasting damage.

Did a lot of reminiscing over old pics I found on an old backup disc which brought a few tears to my eyes, but happy ones, happy memories. Sometimes it's good to remind yourself of good times. Posted a few to FB would have done more, but too much hassle. May add to them later on.

My dad goes back in today, so popping to see him this morning before he sets off. Will visit Friday hopefully. Just another normal day for me at the moment.

I have decided that by the end of the week, decisions will have been made, and I will know for sure which direction I'll be headed in. So I'll either be at my wits end, or feel relief........

Guessing today has done me no favours whatsoever. Decided to take a walk down memory lane and look at all my old photo's. Wedding ones, the baby ones...... happy times. :) I still ache for what was once, if it really ever was. Picture perfect. Happy, smiling, content. It will be again. I know it will. I just need to find a way.

I'm not writing on here again until I have good news. Otherwise my whole profile is a lie and I'll have to rewrite the bloody thing!!

One day I will have some chirpy news to write on here, just a very odd time for me at the moment. Had a hard couple of days, far too personal to write about on such a public site (not that I think anyone takes any notice of this for a minute!) but just feeling completely misunderstood, fuelled by a lack of sleep. Trying hard to figure out the direction that I want to take in my life, so have been looking at jobs and property in Cornwall tonight, as it is a lifelong dream of mine to end up there eventually. These past couple of days have got me thinking if now would be the right time to follow this ambition, or am I just being foolish because that is the state of mind I'm in at the moment. Is uprooting the kids at this point in their lives fair? Leaving family and friends behind? Can I even afford it? Maybe I'm just being selfish. I'm just BORED!! Bored with everything at the moment. I lack motivation and enthusiasm and this makes me tetchy. I need space, time out on my own. I'm too young for a midlife crisis Goddammit!!!

ZOMBIE!!!!!! :( :(

so,

so,

very,

tired!!! :(

Well things just go from bad to ridiculous. After being a nervous wreck all day over my dad, I get a call at work to tell me his op has been postponed for a week or so. He has caught some infection and has a fever. He's now on antibiotics which means they can't go ahead, so just when we thought it would all be over and that would be an end to it, he has to go through it all over again!! And he was so worked up last night. This just sucks!!!! So now they are keeping him in overnight and letting him out tomorrow. Cue another week of stress. :(

Down, down, down. :(
So worried about my dad. Life really sucks sometimes. Unfortunately I'm a bit wrong side out today, and found myself snapping at various people, which isn't like me to do that. I guess I'll have a few apologies to make later on, but I think, well I hope, everyone understands why, and that I mean nothing personal whatsoever. I'm usually the one that's there for everyone else, which I love, but surely I can have a day off for myself for a change. I hope that doesn't sound selfish of me. It's hard trying to be strong for everyone, but if family and friends ever have any worries or problems, they always know I am there for them in a heartbeat. When it's me, I just tend to go quiet instead. The ones who know my temperement, will tell you that I am usually bubbly/silly/hyper...etc, but when I'm down, I'm down. Not moody, just sad.
Anyway, I have a couple of things I need to do now, and then I think I'll put my feet up with some relaxing music, a cup of tea, and a book.

It is now 8.45pm. Just phoned my dad on his Patientline number, so feel a little better for speaking to him before tomorrow. Will be a nervous wreck all day. I am so, so, so close to my parents and it's hell for me, so goodness knows what it's like for him. I have a bit of a lump in my throat at the moment, so I am not going to be very good at work. I'll go and see him after work on Friday. I know he'll be fine. He has the best surgeon. He has to be fine..... :(

Had an up/down day again today. Customers driving me mad. Some are completely insane and I find my face aching from fake smiling at them, when in reality I want to scream at them!! But I did have a laugh too today. I'm a bit down though. I have a lot on my mind. Mainly the fact that my dad goes to have his operation tomorrow, and he's never been in hospital for anything, ever. It sucks to see your parents so worried, and I'm trying to be cheerful and positive around them, but of course I'm worried sick. It's going to be a hard day tomorrow. What's worse is that it isn't a local hospital, so I can't get there to see him until Saturday. I know he will be fine though. Just so very hard....... :(
Not really in the mood to write any more at the mo'. Maybe later. x :)

I must remember to keep filling this in. I don't keep a diary, which is a big regret of mine so I thought I'd manage to keep this up to date considering the amount of time I spend online. Oh, well, let me see...........

Can't think what I've done from Thursday......... Friday....work, Saturday...work! Stocktake!! :( Have to finish it today. I also had a lady come in (who keeps coming in) trying to get me to take on a project of casting a sculpture in glass. Up 'til now I've declined, even though it would be worth a lot of money to me, but I just am not comfortable working in that size. I specialise in pendants and fused glass, this is much more complicated, especially as the item in question is full of undercuts, which makes it HORRENDOUS for taking a cast from. It then will have to be done by the 'lost wax' method which is something I haven't attempted since University, and I hated it then. So many processes, for one piece and even then it will be hit and miss, because due to the shape of the item it will not be easy, nor financially viable for her, to have me make piece after piece, so I basically get one attempt. This lady is a local artist herself and said that if it turns out, there will be many other local artists that may want me to do the same for them, so I'm afraid I'm kind of hoping for it being unsuccessful, which may sound terrible, but this is going to take up my life for a good few weeks. Although saying that, I HATE failure. I just have a NEED with my glass to perfect my work. The Christmas stars for instance, a real low point, so simple, yet so frustrating. I've reluctantly agreed anyhow so watch this space....... :-s

Anyway, on a brighter note, had an old friend of ours round for drinks last night. It was lovely seeing him again, because he moved away some time ago but still has family up here. We had a lovely evening. I stayed off the drink AGAIN, because I said I'd drive him home, since he and Nick were both plastered by midnight!

I'm getting ready for work again as I write this. May add to it later.....xxxxx

Just come in from work. Really tired but relieved to have got my stocktake finished. Going to relax now this evening. Can't think of 'owt interesting to say. xx :)

Ooops. Not filled this in for a couple of days. Not much been happening really. Corey's birthday yesterday which was as chaotic as usual. He got SO many presents, I am going to have to have a clear out of his bedroom. Lovely to have all the family and friends round though.
Also met up with an old friend yesterday, which turned out to be one of the most perfect days. It's hard to realise how much you've really missed someone who's disappeared from your life, until you meet up again years down the line. I was so very happy. :)
Other than that, not much to report really. Off work today so going to just put my feet up and relax for a change!!! x

Ok. 5.00pm and bored of relaxing now. Spent the whole day chatting and daydreaming, thinking lots of happy thoughts. Really chirpy at the moment. :)

By 'eck it's been a busy one. I am surrounded by chaos at the minute. Seem to have spent today doing housework, and running round after the kids. Thought since the kiln is up and running ok, (touch wood) today would be a good day for having a good sort out of all my glasswork tools and odds and ends. Found all sorts I forgot I had, like bundles of silver chain so at least I can delay ordering more. Then had a good clean up, meant to clean the car, but didn't get round to it, can wait 'til tomorrow now. Then in the afternoon it was Corey's sports day. Hmmm..... always start panicking whenever he has to do something infront of other parents, he likes to attract attention to himself, all the time! Like the playgroup nativity, where as the inkeeper, thought it would be a great idea to shoot everyone with an imaginary laser gun. Sound effects and all. I'm always the parent with the red face and head in her hands. Today however, he wasn't too bad. He was acting silly a bit, but he has to be the class clown. Although I was ashamed when he started pointing and laughing at the top of his voice when any of the other children fell over. A bit useless at sport though, so he takes after his mum in that respect!

Afterwards had to go and take Sian through to Barrow to spend a small fortune on her for her weekend away with school. Considering it's an adventure weekend, where they will get mud up and wet, she wouldn't settle for anything less than what can only be described as completely impractical. Once again...definitely her mother's daughter!!

I think I'm more or less back to normal now. Had a good start to the day so far. Kiln is looking ok, although as I still have no idea what went wrong the first time, I feel a bit wary leaving it during a firing. Will run 2 or 3 more tests first before I risk putting any glass back in it though.

Just realised that it's Corey's sports day at school this afternoon, so I guess I'd better go and watch him after lunch. I don't mind going to see the primary school one but I didn't bother going to see Sian's at high school. Would bring back too many bad memories I think!!! She didn't want me there anyway. Any how, I have a busy morning planned, invoices to fill in, kiln shelf to order, need to get car cleaned, LOADS of tidying to do...... and then I have to pick up the kids from school and rush through to take Sian shopping for her school trip this weekend.

Hopefully have something exciting to write about later on, but I doubt it. :)

Well, I do feel a bit more myself today thank goodness. Still really tired though, but was cheered up immensely by someone with the knack of making me laugh even on my darkest days. Still not counting my chickens though, as I still don't feel quite on top form yet. I did however pluck up the courage to test fire my kiln for the first time since it was repaired last week. The relays were clicking, so I'm feeling quite positive. It's just a short simple program I'm running on it, a quick ramp upto 800'C and down to annealing temp, so it should be cool by the morning as opposed to the 20 hour firings I'm used to running. I will pop in first thing to check it, so hopefully it will be reading 'complete' instead of the hideous glowing disaster that I was met with after my last attempt. I'm just DYING to get back in there. Not having my kiln has been like losing a limb to me these past few months. I have so many new designs and ideas I want to get started on.

Still not 100%. Wish I could just shake off these feelings!! Can't put my finger on whether it's psychological or physical. It is not normal for me to feel this tired and bursting into tears for no apparent reason every so often. And I feel SO nauseous all the time. For several days now. I NEVER get ill.

Woke up this morning feeling a little better. But got tetchier as the morning went on, resulting in a blazing row with Nick. We're fine now, but that just shows. I mean, we bicker loads, LOADS, but not often do we row like that. I feel guilty now, although I didn't at the time. I was ready to pack my things and leave, and I don't think he would have stopped me. He really does mean the world to me and I should let him know that more often. Yes we do argue an awful lot, but we just work somehow. Like a hinge and bracket. He's my voice of reason in my silly world and no one else has ever kept me on the straight and narrow like he does. No one else would ever possess that skill, I don't think. However......we did have a nice day in the end, went shopping for Corey's birthday which is on Wednesday, looked at a possible new car for me, then a drive over the Langdales as it was such a beautiful day, and back for a barbeque.

Now I can feel depression descending again, and I don't know why the hell I'm feeling this way, and the more I dwell on it the worse I feel, so time to nip it in the bud I think and take myself to bed to try and sleep it off.

Hit a low today. This is a bit of a rarity for me. Yes, I suffer with PMT every month, but this wasn't that. I tend to look at the world through 'rose-tinted glasses' as only I can, so when something crap happens, it tends to hit that little bit harder. Won't go into the details, not because I don't want to, but because I wouldn't know where or how to start or even why so much. My head feels mushed. So many things have been happening lately some bad, some ok, but too many things for me to get my head around. I'm getting bad news from all angles, so trying to be strong and good humoured infront of people, but feel wretched for them inside. I have felt so horrendously ill all day, just extreme fatigue, over emotional, quite nauseous, a little tetchy, and I know it's all down to worry. I'm a born worrier. I can't help that. All I have to keep telling myself is that I'll be OK and back to my normal self in a few days. I know I will. But for now I need sleep. I haven't slept very well lately, and I am ever, ever so tired. If I go to bed now, I'm sure it will do me the world of good. Hopefully feel chirpier tomorrow. x

Oh, I also forgot. My mum called earlier to let me know that my dad's operation for his prostate cancer, has been scheduled for next Wednesday. Which is also Corey's 5th birthday. That's pretty bad timing. I will be worried sick. :(

Ok. Not such a fabulous day today. Began this morning and got gradually worse. First off, I couldn't find my car keys, which also had my works keys on too. Nick's fault, as he used them last night because he drove my car. 8.40am Corey should have been at school by then and I'm running round screaming, a) because he was still messing around and not getting ready for school, and b) my darling husband wasn't answering his phone to explain the whereabouts of my missing keys. In the end I had to phone my mum to take Corey as I was running incredibly late at this point. Eventually found the keys in Nick's pocket of his jeans. Exactly the kind of thing he goes mental with me for doing! *sigh*
So....in my rush to get to work, I think I must have left half my tyres at the junction of our road, as in my haste I left in a cloud of burning rubber. Proceeded to floor it down a country lane I was using to take a short cut, and nearly missed my turn off, which required what can only be described as a handbrake turn and nearly scared to death the poor guy coming out of said turn off. The ABS didn't sound too happy either. To top it all off, when I finally got too work, I managed to park my car in the front wall. Again. And proceeded to do EXACTLY the same thing when I came back from lunch. Well. I'm short. I can't see the bonnet. Nick must have altered my seat last night. Well let's blame him anyway.
The rest of the day went ok, until later in the afternoon, when I got a frantic phonecall from Sian demanding that I phone the school tomorrow. First thing. Panicstricken she was. Completely suicidal. I was terrified. Why was I to phone the school? Because she and her friend (who are going on an adventure weekend with her school year) despise the girls they have been put in a dorm with. So now I have to think of a tactful reason as to why my daughter and her friend are not to share a room with these girls and phone the school to explain. Her reason? They're not 'hygenic.' Point taken. Definitely her mother's daughter!

Oh, and did I get an apology from my hubby about the keys? Did I heck. I got a slap on the arse and a stupid grin!

Ok. Seeing if I can get this written before my blinkin' internet connection disappears again!! Just had news that a friend had her baby this morning!! That's the third in recent weeks, and two others are now expecting. I do wish people would stop asking me if I have any plans for any more though. Erm....well I wasn't insane last time I checked, so why would I be now?? I adore my kids, but I do have a complete lack of maternal instinct. I'm not like a mum, mum; more like a big sister I guess. More to my daughter I think, especially now she's a teenager. There is a lot of parallels between us, although she is far much more of an attention seeker than I ever was at her age. I always felt that I had missed out on a lot having Sian at such a young age, well not really young by any means, but to me I was young. Everyone else around me managed to go travelling etc.. and I was jealous, I guess. But now I think I am lucky, and it was the right time, because when mine have grown up and left, I will still be young enough to live my life and do all the things I couldn't do before. I know. I'm wittering again.

What did I do yesterday.....Oh, I went for some retail therapy, spent an unnecessary amount of money, on various bits and pieces that I really don't need...not an awful lot else really. Sat out in the garden for a bit last night because it was such a beautiful evening. Watched my hubby and Corey messing around on the lawn. They are so cute together. I love watching them play-fighting and little Corey shrieking with laughter and bright rosy red cheeks from running about. Sian decided to go caving and then left muddy footprints right through the house. The muppet. Still, I have the most perfect family and I am eternally grateful for that.

Wow! What a spectacular storm last night, or early this morning, even. Was waiting for Corey to come up to get into our bed, but thankfully it didn't wake him. I love it after a good thunderstorm, everything looks so green and fresh again. I was so glad of the rain yesterday afternoon. I went for a wander round the garden in it. Got drenched but it was lovely and invigorating. Luckily all my neighbours think I'm barmy anyway, so it's not an oddity to see me doing daft things in the garden with a silly grin on my face.....the black cable incident for instance......;)

Just about to do some mathematics and work out a test firing program for my kiln. Probably means going in tonight to start it, so it will ramp gradually during the night, and HOPEFULLY be coming down in the morning so if anything DOES go wrong again, there'll be a factory full of people who can alert me. Fingers crossed!!!! Seems a waste to fire it empty but I'm still waiting on a new kiln shelf since my original one still has the remains of my last firing welded to it. It got so hot, the plaster mould melted too!!

Other than that, a nice lazy day I think. Or some retail therapy perhaps....?

A VERY good day so far!! Just had a call to tell me my kiln is now PERFECT!!! I am so happy!!! I have waited for so long, and was expecting a MASSIVE repair bill, but everything is totally fine, even the thermocouple which looked as if it had been badly damaged in the overfire is working fine too!! It has cost me nothing!! I am forever grateful to our technician!! No explanation as to what went wrong but I don't care! Just need to wait for delivery of a new kiln shelf, and I am back in business!! YIPPEE!!!! I now have to put my heart and soul into this venture. I started my company over two years but generally treated it as a hobby that makes me money. Now is the time to get serious. This is what I went to uni for, this is what I know best, and I believe that I can be successful. Kiln-forming glass is one of the most exciting and rewarding hobbies ever. Nothing beats opening your kiln after a firing and finding what started off as a mould full of crushed coloured frit, transformed into bright colourful jewels! Then the whole polishing process, getting them to gleam and sparkle........sorry, going off on one........ :)

Just can't wait to get back to it.....

Woke up at 5.00am this morning. Kissed hubby and crept out of bed. It's now 8.20am, and I'm still the only one up. It looks set to be a scorching day again today, the sun is streaming through my dressing room window, I'm gazing out over the fields listening to the birds tweeting, knowing that shortly, the kids will be up and the peace will be shattered.

It's been a hectic week this week, and it's going to be a hectic weekend too!! Nick's been backk home really late from work each day, which sucks a bit. We don't get enough time together. But I suppose that it's his job that keeps me in the life I've become accustomed to, so I'm forever grateful!! Looking forward to my godson's birthday tomorrow though. Oh, and the England v. Germany match!!!! :)

Had fantastic news yesterday that my beloved kiln may be sorted very soon. (Had an overfire a few months back, which caused a lot of damage.) I haven't fired it since about February(?) and it's been torture. My stock is at an all time low, which is good in a way, because I didn't realise how well they would sell, but can't wait to start to build it up again so I can approach other suppliers. Just keeping everything crossed that it's ok.

Finally figured out how to use this thing now I think.........:-s

Oooooohhh!!! How exciting!! My first blog!! Does anyone ever actually use these things??? Can I say mean things about people? Only kidding. I'm never mean!! :)