Feeling really yukky today, but thought I'd fill this in before I drag my sorry backside into work. Up since 4.00am lying in a hot bath with that pain again, wish the hospital would hurry up with that scan appointment!! Nicks poor personal assistant had to witness the horrific apparition of me at 7.00am this morning looking bedraggled, doubled up, no make-up, wild hair, practically crying into a mug of tea!! Usually I wouldn't let anyone see that, but I couldn't care less today. I shouldn't be going anywhere. But the lure of what lies in my kiln is too strong an urge to resist!! I should be staying at home on the sofa, but it's not me to sit and lounge around all day, I HAVE to do something!! Anyway, I had a lazy day yesterday, so feel guilty about that. I still ache from Monday, aswell. Blimey, I'm just falling to bits!! Don't think I'll put in a full day as I intended though. But I might do tomorrow instead. Anyway finishing getting myself looking as human as possible, then I'm off. :)

Well, Rob and Jitka have my utmost respect. Because today, the whole of my upper body aches like crazy. My ribs, my shoulders, my arms, hands, back, hell, even my boobs are wrecking!! All for one tiny glass bowl. The thought of cutting something big like a centre bowl with an intricate patten, would make me break out in a cold sweat. I didn't realise just how physically weak I am!! Better dust off my rowing machine......
Saying that though, I did have an amazing morning yesterday. I think I can really use that in my jewellery. Suddenly I have a whole new range in mind...... :)


Well, been up since 3.15 this morning, so managed a few hours sleep again... not bad. Now can't decide what to do with my day. I think I'll give work a miss, in too much pain, and anyway, my kiln won't be ready until tomorrow, so I'll go in then, and then I can start polishing on Thursday. If I go in today, I will be tempted to peek inside my kiln, and I know it will still be too hot. I have fallen foul of my impatience in the past, where on opening the lid, I hear a sickening 'ping!' and then have to sit and curse and remind myself about 'thermal shock' and how it is the reason you just don't do it until it is cold!!

Now I am going to blitz this place in the hope of FINALLY getting some paint on the walls at some point today!!

I look in the mirror and all I see is blonde hair, make-up and big boobs. Cheap and tacky. The bimbo look is fine on an 18 year old, but I despise it with a passion. I hate it on anyone. HATE IT!! So.... hair appointment is booked for two weeks today, going dark brown and short. And can't wait. Stage two of the new me. :)
Big problems yesterday. I knew as soon as I saw the look on David's face, the pot in the furnace had gone. This is so bloody crap. The fan for the furnace packs in on Wednesday night when no one is around, the alarms malfunction so nobody discovers it until the next day, by which time it's dropped from 1395'C down to 900'C. There was no way that pot was ever going to survive. It's just one thing after another at the moment. The only solution is a new furnace, but £600,000??? I can understand the reluctance. It sucks because I am dying to get into the glass-house. I want to work with hot glass again. I have so many ideas I want to try.
But hey!!!! Glass cutting today!! I can't wait. Done a fabulous design on a bowl that I want to try out. So, so excited. Lol!! Only me would go rushing into work on their day off. It's crazy!! But see where I work and who I work with and all becomes clear..... :)
Otherwise, had a rotten day really yesterday. Kiln playing up again, but fired it regardless, at least I can keep check on it today.... just general day of mishaps. Oh, added to by a friend, going nuts on me. Although, sadly, it would have affected me less if I didn't care about them. Sad really. I must be soft. I think it was childish on both parts. I hate arguing with anyone. It is just such an unecessary waste of time and emotion. Made worse by it being over something so trivial. I think basically, I'm not used to people trying to deliberately upset me. I tend to be mollycoddled a lot. Even by people at work. I'm a lot tougher than people give me credit for. Yes I hurt easily, I'm only human, but I can hold my own, and it is part of the new me, that I am going to say what I feel a lot more. But I reckon it was just a shock to the system to get into that situation. It's different when it's my husband, I can scream and rant for days!! But friends? Nope. Shouldn't be like that. However. Totally over it now. New day and all. I'm not one to hold grudges. THAT would be childish.
So anyway..... I was a touch upset on getting home, obviously I'm still really touchy still at the minute. Nick was worried about me so we decided to get away for a weekend as we both need it, we are both completely on edge and have come closer to splitting recently than I ever want to be again. So booking a weekend in Buckinghamshire in October. He's been amazing this past couple of weeks. And on seeing me get a bit teary last night, he reminded me of all I have achieved in my life considering the odds were stacked against me. Having my daughter at 19. To bring up two kids on not an awful lot of money, to still put myself through uni and get a good mark in my degree whilst being a full time mum, to work right from the start, sometimes having several jobs, and now starting up my own business, which is still in the developmental stages. When he puts it like that, I think, actually, yeah. I should be proud. I always felt I'd missed out on loads, but when the kids have left home we will still be young enough to travel the world and do everything we've dreamed of, and we will have the money to do that. We are both very ambitious people, and Nick is the cleverest person I've ever met. Naturally gifted. Hopefully we'll be in a position to be able to retire early. So that cheered me up. We decided we are going to go away more. I mean, we can afford it, we just need to treat ourselves a bit more often instead of frittering our money away on crap. Nice holidays etc...
Anyhoo..... back to today, just straightening hair then off to work. Yippee!!! :) xx

I have the worst headache EVER this morning. Right across behind my eyes. But it could be the fact I was lying awake all night counting the beams across my bedroom ceiling. Surely I should be really feeling the effects of no sleep by now, but I think my body has just adjusted to it. I actually feel fine. Looking forward to work today. Get another firing in hopefully, and need to get some grinding done. Then tomorrow I am cutting which I am really excited about. Better remember Kevlar gloves, or else knowing me, it is highly likely I will lose a finger on the diamond wheels!! Oh, more good news I forgot to mention, the other day, after moaning about how slow my boss was in paying me for my jewellery, I found a big fat cheque from him!! Now I feel guilty, it was dated the end of August. Oops. At least my business account will look a lot healthier when I deposit it on Monday. :)

Went for a lovely drive out with Nick and Corey yesterday. The weather was so beautiful, but it was slightly marred by an emergency residents meeting at lunchtime over a greedy local landowner who has had some stupid plans passed which will disrupt our road immensely. We've been fighting them for years and we finally won a few months ago, so to find out this yesterday just proves what an underhand slimy little sod this guy is. So sneaky. Probably all backhanders too. I hate people who are powered purely by money. It is everything I hate in a person. This guy already owns most of our village. It is pure greed. Thankfully I will never be like that. I have morals. I was going to say, I can sleep at night, but that wouldn't be strictly accurate at the moment... lol! Anyway. I'm not whinging. The dishes are done..... I guess. I believe in karma. I hope he goes bust. :(



Well, need to finish getting ready for work, will add to later, after my wonderful day. :)

Had by far the happiest day on Thursday that I've had in the past couple of months. Had such a laugh in the factory. We do have an amazing team. Our little Cumbria Crystal family. :) Had some really positive news too. Don't want to jinx anything by mouthing off on here, but workwise, if all works out, I should be making some really decent money by the New Year. Another step closer to my granite Cornish cottage.... Everything is falling into place, and it would be really lovely to take some of the pressure off Nick for once. I want him to start to persue his dreams too, and this may mean he is able to do that. I want him to be happy, and I know how stressed he is at the moment which is part of the problem. I want us ALL to be happy. I actually managed to get 3.5ish hours sleep last night, that's the longest yet, and it's because I felt calm and contented after sitting talking things through last night. Still a bit restless, when I got into bed, but Nick cuddled me, instead of shouting at me for a change. :)


Yesterday was a chaotic day. Completely and utterly chaotic. Phonecall after phonecall, generally rushed off my feet. So, so tired.....but I love that. :) Busy days make me happy. Woke up feeling fairly positive, had 3ish hours sleep which is good for me. Then ended up in a fractious mood before work, by someone determined to ruin my day... completely unsuccessfully.... Had a good blitz of my house as soon as I got home, then felt a bit anxious when it started to get dark, but there was such an amazing bright full moon, I decided to go for a drive down the coast road, where I just sat on my car bonnet mulling things through. Happy though. It was so pretty, and quiet. I came home later on, watched the Hangover, and then sat putting the world to rights with my ex 'til late. Love him dearly.

Had about the same amount of sleep last night, but feeling bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Just had Sky round to move my dish, and now trying to decide whether to paint walls, or go out, maybe kayaking. Might be the last chance this year. It is a beautiful day. Really don't want to waste it. I'll get out somewhere. Stick my wellies on and go for a wander. :)

I did a lot of thinking whilst awake last night. A LOT. I pulled apart my whole persona and figured a few things out. I am so fed up of peoples perceptions of me, after an in depth conversation with Nick earlier in the evening, which made me leave the room to sit and cry quietly with frustration. I know I've created this dizzy character, interested in hair and makeup a bit of an airhead, but I have no idea why. A confidence thing I guess, because I am so much deeper than that. More than people realise. It's funny really, especially at work, when I start talking to customers about glass-making I can see the surprise in their faces that I actually know what I'm talking about, and can answer anything. I hate that. I hate that everyones perception of me is of a ditzy blonde, yet for some reason I play on it all the time. I'm really a very astute person. I analyse peoples characters, I know when people are lying, being dishonest, being deceitful, and I despise that people lie to me and think they can get away with it because they think I'm too stupid to realise. How dare they? They are wrong. I know. I may not pick them up on it, but I do know when I am being deceived, and I will not allow it any longer. I'm guilty of it myself in the past. I know the signs, the body language. I am NOT a stupid dumb blonde. I have feelings. I have a heart. This is one of the changes to my life that I am going to make. The ditzy giggly Adele is going to be killed off. What's left will be the confident designer/maker, who is ambitious, successful, and won't be taken for a fool any longer. The blonde is going. The makeup is being toned down. I have never ever strived to be remotely pretty, that isn't what I want to achieve. I am not a beautiful person. It's just a mask I hide behind. But it is that, that makes people treat me the way they do. The true me, the 33 year old married mum, hardworking owner of her own business is what I want to concentrate on now. People can like it or lump it, they can accept me for who I am, or not. It makes no odds to me. There are people I NEED to remove from my life, that are hindering me, that constantly lie to me and can't even be honest to themselves. Then there are those who are so important to me. That I cherish, that I love dearly and are a vital part of my life. I know this may sound pretty drastic but it is something that has been on my mind all night .and is so important to me.

I got a block of 2.5 hours sleep last night which I was pleased about, albeit on the sofa. ...maybe that's the answer..... But it meant I was even more tired on waking up. I did as I was advised last night, after tossing and turning and tangling myself up in my duvet, driving Nick insane... so I got up and pottered about downstairs. Started rereading Pride and Prejudice for the umpteenth time, watched Sherlock Holmes, (spot the Cumbria Crystal) and then put my wellies on and wandered round the garden for a few minutes, in the pitch dark, in my bathrobe. Nick said this morning that he can't stand much more, well hey, welcome to MY flaming world!! Then I was so tired this morning I nearly came a cropper round the lanes with one of Nick's lorries. So I guess he will hear about that and give him something else to have a go at me for tonight. But one step at a time, yes? At least I got a bit of sleep. Right, stop moaning......

Today I have to sort out all my receipts, since I have to do my accounts myself now. Wish I had some better organisational skills. Then after lunch, phone docs for some blood test results. Just the usual crap.

I really can't think straight at the minute. I have so much going on, am falling out with folk left, right and centre, most of them know I'm not like that really, I hope. I suppose it's easier to blow up at family than friends. Usually I will go out of my way for anyone, but I am putting on people at the moment, that really don't need it. I am furious at myself for being so selfish. I am mortified that I keep forgetting to ask how other people are doing, as though my problems are greater than theirs! As soon as I sort out my lack of sleep I'll be on my way then I'll sit back and survey the damage I've caused along that road, and try and put things right. If only I could switch my mind off. Things are constantly flashing through it. Worries. Worrying about me, worrying about others. Just really hating the person I'm becoming, and I am scared others are too. I'm not joking when I say that I was so confident once. So bubbly, affectionate... gosh... tears..... :'( I really, desperately want to be that girl again.

Can't wait to get into work tomorrow. It's the only place I feel truly happy. I can laugh and be myself, then I dread going home, which is why I tend to stick around and have the factory to myself to get on with my own work. I am looking forward to checking my kiln when I get in, and hopefully getting another firing in. I have made some fab moulds! I am dying to see how they turn out!! Beautiful colours of Bullseye glass. I've been saving this glass for something special, it's so damn expensive to buy. I'm so used to working with lead crystal, and this is a little bit different. I may order some more silver this afternoon. Plus I still need to arrange a photoshoot asap. :)

Guess I'd better make a start on these accounts, before this laptop blows up from being cried into!! Lol. xx

Not going to say it..... but yes, another restless night, blah, blah, blah...... I did actually go and see the doctor last night, hubby's orders. I have pages and pages of advice notes about insomnia, which I will sit and read through today. Loads of relaxation techniques, so I'm hoping they will help a bit. Really don't want to go down the road of sleeping pills though. I just know I'd end up hooked, and I try and avoid medication at all costs. Anyway, she seemed more concerned about the pain I've been in lately and has booked me in for an ultrasound scan to find out what is going on. Yet more worry then. It really is one thing after another at the moment. At least a good thing is me and Nick seem to be getting on better now. I realise now, it would be so hard to lose him. I have so much to be grateful to him for. My whole lifestyle is down to him. I don't mean that in a materialistic way, because I don't need material things to make me happy as long as I have people I love, but I recognise the sacrifices he has made. His job is stressful, but I am so proud of how far he has worked his way up through his company. I always tell him I'm proud of him, and try to encourage him. I just want him to be happy in whatever he does. He could do any job, and I'd support him no matter what. But I do need that support back.

Anyway, back to today.... I'm going to make a few more moulds, have a tidy round, then put my feet up with a coffee and read all this insomnia info. Nearly had Corey off school with a cough and a temperature, but he seemed ok after breakfast so I sent him anyway. He came up to our bed at about 4.30am, and he was roasting. He only ever comes up to our bed if he's feeling ill.

Feel quite peaceful, this morning. I'm looking out across the fields and the weather is really quite pleasant. I may stick on my wellies after and go for a wander through Henning Woods.

I am completely exhausted. Going to go and see doctor today but I have so much to do. Had that bloody pain back last night. Never experienced anything like it. Started about midnight, and I actually vomitted, I was in so much agony. Sat in tears on the end of the bed. This is happening so frequently now. Getting really worried. Right through my chest and back, to the point where I can't breathe and all I can do is lie in a hot bath. Which I did, for hours on end. So yet again no sleep. I think maybe I pushed myself a bit too hard yesterday at work, then carried it on as soon as I got back home. Just so much I want to do. I have to get my stock levels up again, and it's bloody hard work! I have to keep busy though. I don't know what to do with myself when I have nothing to do. Will never give anyone a reason to call me lazy!! Nick told me he's worried about me which I found comforting. He said I'm going to run myself into an early grave. I know he cares. He put his arm round me and said you don't realise what you've got until there's a chance you may lose it. It made me cry. I want to always mean something to him. I think things may just be ok between us. I have this daft need to be wanted and loved, all the time. I've hated thinking he doesn't care. The fear of being on my own has frightened me, I'll admit that. I just want someone to share my dreams with. I worry about whether I would work on my own. I think that's partly why I feel so ill all the time. But surely I deserve some happiness? I can't have anyone in my life who will hold me back though. I need constant support and encouragement.

Back to work, I had a wonderful result from my firing yesterday, so I can't wait to get those pieces polished up. Then even managed to get another firing in before I left. Somebody gave me a load of gold leaf, which I've incorporated into a couple of pieces, just to test, so will be intrigued as to how they turn out. I don't think it will work though. They'll go either black or red I reckon. Love experimenting though.

Anyway, taken kids to school, got some invoices to get in order, then phoning the doctor. Hopefully put an end to this feeling nasty all the time. I think moulds can wait for today.

Ooooh, been slacking with this.... what have I been up to..... mostly work, work, work. Just cast another batch of moulds, which are drying, but I'll pop them on the back of one of the furnaces tomorrow for speed, so HOPEFULLY will get another firing in on Friday ready for Sunday. Getting a fair bit of stock together now. Feeling a bit skint at the moment, this month has been hell for spending, so hopefully I should be getting a nice big fat cheque from my boss for my jewellery which I've sold lately, or he's going to find himself hit with my next invoice, which is for nearly double!! Hoping to get enough together to send out to prospective buyers before Christmas.
Had a much needed couple of days away from home, just had to have a change of scenery before I completely lost the plot.... It was good, and I felt inspired looking at various jewellery in shop windows.
I'm in a pretty good place at the moment, I think. Things at home are good, touch wood, workwise it's great.... Still feel like there's something niggling though at the back of my mind, and I think it's my desire to move away but I know I'm tied here for a while which is so frustrating. I keep tormenting myself with all the Cornish websites and property pages. Just want to time travel a few years into the future to my little cosy granite cottage, down the Lizard penninsula way looking out towards the lonely silouettes of the old ruined engine houses dotted around, the sea beyond. My solitude. To do as I please..... That is my next dream. I'm already on my way to realising my first dream, my jewellery business actually being successful. I am trying so hard.
Oh, also been looking at courses today. Just want some other qualification. I'm 33 and just don't feel like I've achieved anything much. I think I'm of the mindset at the moment that everything I've ever wanted to do, I'm going to go for it. So I'm looking at silversmithing, and oilpainting restoration courses. Both of which I've always wanted to do. I just need some other focus. Anything to help me achieve my dreams. Now all that's stopping me from disappearing off into the sunset, are my kids. I can't disrupt Sian. Corey wouldn't care, but my daughter is so, so settled here, and I don't know if I could change that yet.
But I am so determined, to the point of being ruthless. I've not even asked anyones advice, not even my parents, because I'm not interested in their opinion. It isn't a case of "Should I," it's more a case of "I am." Sound selfish? Probably. Maybe I am just chasing rainbows, but it's time for me, for a change.

Ever have one of those days, where you can singlehandedly destroy everything in a split second? That's every day for me at the moment. I'm in such a destructive mood. Everything that happens is negative. I haven't been sleeping or eating, (lost weight though...:) but everyone is getting it in the neck. Friends, family, workmates. Fed up of hearing that I've changed. I know I have. You think I like it?? I am working so hard to sort myself out, but I think that the way I'm going about it is wrong. I tend to just immerse myself in work, like today. Or go on a spending spree, like yesterday...:-s (waiting for a delivery this morning....) Instead I should be surrounding myself with people who I care for, and who care for me... But I'll be the old bubbly me again. In a few years maybe... ;) But seriously, I'm struggling. I admit that. It's still raw and difficult. No one really understands either. I accept that. I want to just release this pent up emotion which I've been bottling up for so long. I know I'm going to just explode at some point. I can't go on like this for much longer. I think I need to get away by myself for a bit....

Now to take advantage of the silence in this house. Kids back at school and a tonne of work to get through...... No rest for the wicked....

Another sleepless night. So many thoughts swirling round my head. Feeling a touch used and abused, but hey, used to that at the moment! Corey's first day back, so a little sad. Will miss my little monkey!! Then as soon as I get back, a big splurge in the Next Directory is needed. :) Fill the rest in later on...... :)

Had a wonderful day today. Got so much grinding and polishing done. Worth about £800 when finished. I was in seventh heaven. How amazingly happy I can be doing something that I love so much. When one of our guys said to me, "Adele, you've got that fire back in your eyes again. That spark, that has been missing recently," I knew exactly what he meant. And now tonight, I am even more determined. Especially now knowing that the only person I can trust in the world is myself. From now on, it is me and me alone. I will work to provide for my kids, but I need no one else... I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. I proved that today, by working through far more pieces than I ever have in that space of time. I was unashamedly proud of myself, proud of the fact I have my job, I run my own business and I have two beautiful children who will always love me no matter what. Further proof that I am on my way.... and the future looks golden. :)

Looking forward to going into work this morning. I can just get on and switch off. It's like one step forward and two steps back at the moment. I have been nearly back to my bubbly self during the day but for some frustrating reason, night time, I dread. I can't afford to become an insomniac, but that seems to be the way I'm headed. I refuse to take any pills for it. The worst part is getting up in such a nowty mood. I know exactly why I'm not sleeping, but I'm dealing with things my own way. All I crave is for it all to go away, for these past few months to not have happened. Hell I wish I could talk to people about it. I have been given so many chances, but bottling it up is the only thing I can do. I just close up.

Anyway, I will be absolutely fine in an hour or two. I know someone who will cheer me up later when they come in. :)

On a good note the kids are back at school this week, so it gives me chance to concentrate on me for a change. I need to be alone so desperately.

Ok, I did have fun today. Well most of today, did read an article in one of my mags that had me in floods of tears, but hey. I'm an emotional wreck at the moment anyway, just normal. But my day started off with finding one of my fave customers waiting for me at the front door when I arrived. Favourite because he owns an Aston Martin, and a whole fleet of fabulous cars..... and by the way, he's old. And very, very posh. But hell! I will flirt with anyone who has money. Not in a shallow way, but..... nah. Ok. In a shallow way. Which is odd, because money makes no difference to me. I am comfortably well off, but would take penniless and happy, over money any day of the week. It's just a bit of fun. And it greatly amuses our engraver. But anyway, this guy is bringing a whole Aston Martin owners club to see us, so I will be drooling over all the wonderful cars parked outside. I'll have one of my own one day anyway. Or maybe a Bentley Continental. Ferrari?? Ok, just dreaming again.
Also exchanged a few texts with a special person who I'm a bit worried about, so I just like to check in on him now and again. I was relieved to find him ok. Maybe it's the caring side of me, but he's really been there for me lately, I have to repay the favour. Will maybe surprise him with a visit next week. Haven't seen him in years, and it's just lately I've realised how valuable some people are to me.
But, all in all, just had a really, really good laugh with the guys today. Laughed 'til I've cried. Everyone's trying to arrange another night out which is always fabulous. So can't wait for that. Not got any jewellery done today so I'll have to catch up with that on Sunday. Started off trying to remove some sparklies from a couple of pendants, foolishly with a scalpel. Ignoring everyone saying "You're gonna go through your hand doing it like that!!" I ended up stabbing myself in the palm of my hand. Not one to heed warnings, me.
Owt else??? Oh just had a blazing row with the other half over the phone on his way home, so he can go to hell. But apart from that everything is just fine. :)

Feeling really good this morning. Think things are finally looking like they're headed in the right direction now. Me and Nick seem to be back on a track of sorts. Still ups and downs though. I feel really guilty, not sure why, but I've been mean. We both have. But I look at him snuggled up with little Corey at night both asleep, and my heart melts. I've been selfish and moody, miserable, but I'm trying harder and harder each day. I want things to go back to normal, but better. But I need a change. Whether it is a move away, with the family or alone, that is what I am focussing on. I love it round here so much, who wouldn't living right on the edge of the Lake District? But I'm bored. I've missed out on so much, and I know I will get my chance to live my life how I want, but I'm impatient. I'm a now or never person. I keep on looking at the property websites for Cornwall. I am really happy that the property prices are so realistic there too. It's my dream of living within walking distance of Mullion Cove or Kynance.... soppy, but late evening walks on the beach with the sea breeze in my hair when it's quiet and peaceful...heaven. My cosy warm studio next to my cottage with views across the Atlantic Sea.... I just want to cry because I want it so much. I know I go on and on about this all the time, but I'm not just sitting daydreaming of it all the time. I'm working goddam hard to make it a reality!

My jobs for today involve, well, I've already ripped out the old elements from an old kiln in my outhouse, I'm going to hammerite the whole thing shortly then scour the internet looking for a control panel for it.

It is such a stunningly beautiful day today, would have been perfect for a walk along the cliffs towards Botallack..... damn!! I'm off daydreaming again!! One day Adz...... Patience......... :)