I know I'm neglecting this. It's just too difficult to fill in right now. Hope to be back to normal in a month or so. Things just too hard to cope with, my simple ordinary life has been rocked to it's core and although I'm surrounded by wonderful friends and family, all I feel at the moment is overwhelming loneliness, from all my own doing. I WILL get through this though and will be back stronger and more determined than ever to make my life the success that I always dreamed of. Where I'll be and what I'll be doing remains to be seen. If I AM still here, then God, things will be different.

Am tired, headachy, at the end of my tether. Seriously.

On a positive note, my dad is coming home tomorrow after his op on Thursday.

Onwards and upwards. I refuse to mope around forever. It is not my style. What will be, will be and there is nothing I can do about it. Had a bit of a rough day yesterday, inadvertantly upset someone who I really didn't want upsetting, thanks to a friend who didn't listen to me. Seem to be a lot of those people at the moment, not listening to me. Think things are all smoothed over now, I hope. Was upset at the time, but I understand good intentions. I hope there is no lasting damage.

Did a lot of reminiscing over old pics I found on an old backup disc which brought a few tears to my eyes, but happy ones, happy memories. Sometimes it's good to remind yourself of good times. Posted a few to FB would have done more, but too much hassle. May add to them later on.

My dad goes back in today, so popping to see him this morning before he sets off. Will visit Friday hopefully. Just another normal day for me at the moment.

I have decided that by the end of the week, decisions will have been made, and I will know for sure which direction I'll be headed in. So I'll either be at my wits end, or feel relief........

Guessing today has done me no favours whatsoever. Decided to take a walk down memory lane and look at all my old photo's. Wedding ones, the baby ones...... happy times. :) I still ache for what was once, if it really ever was. Picture perfect. Happy, smiling, content. It will be again. I know it will. I just need to find a way.

I'm not writing on here again until I have good news. Otherwise my whole profile is a lie and I'll have to rewrite the bloody thing!!

One day I will have some chirpy news to write on here, just a very odd time for me at the moment. Had a hard couple of days, far too personal to write about on such a public site (not that I think anyone takes any notice of this for a minute!) but just feeling completely misunderstood, fuelled by a lack of sleep. Trying hard to figure out the direction that I want to take in my life, so have been looking at jobs and property in Cornwall tonight, as it is a lifelong dream of mine to end up there eventually. These past couple of days have got me thinking if now would be the right time to follow this ambition, or am I just being foolish because that is the state of mind I'm in at the moment. Is uprooting the kids at this point in their lives fair? Leaving family and friends behind? Can I even afford it? Maybe I'm just being selfish. I'm just BORED!! Bored with everything at the moment. I lack motivation and enthusiasm and this makes me tetchy. I need space, time out on my own. I'm too young for a midlife crisis Goddammit!!!

ZOMBIE!!!!!! :( :(

so,

so,

very,

tired!!! :(

Well things just go from bad to ridiculous. After being a nervous wreck all day over my dad, I get a call at work to tell me his op has been postponed for a week or so. He has caught some infection and has a fever. He's now on antibiotics which means they can't go ahead, so just when we thought it would all be over and that would be an end to it, he has to go through it all over again!! And he was so worked up last night. This just sucks!!!! So now they are keeping him in overnight and letting him out tomorrow. Cue another week of stress. :(

Down, down, down. :(
So worried about my dad. Life really sucks sometimes. Unfortunately I'm a bit wrong side out today, and found myself snapping at various people, which isn't like me to do that. I guess I'll have a few apologies to make later on, but I think, well I hope, everyone understands why, and that I mean nothing personal whatsoever. I'm usually the one that's there for everyone else, which I love, but surely I can have a day off for myself for a change. I hope that doesn't sound selfish of me. It's hard trying to be strong for everyone, but if family and friends ever have any worries or problems, they always know I am there for them in a heartbeat. When it's me, I just tend to go quiet instead. The ones who know my temperement, will tell you that I am usually bubbly/silly/hyper...etc, but when I'm down, I'm down. Not moody, just sad.
Anyway, I have a couple of things I need to do now, and then I think I'll put my feet up with some relaxing music, a cup of tea, and a book.

It is now 8.45pm. Just phoned my dad on his Patientline number, so feel a little better for speaking to him before tomorrow. Will be a nervous wreck all day. I am so, so, so close to my parents and it's hell for me, so goodness knows what it's like for him. I have a bit of a lump in my throat at the moment, so I am not going to be very good at work. I'll go and see him after work on Friday. I know he'll be fine. He has the best surgeon. He has to be fine..... :(

Had an up/down day again today. Customers driving me mad. Some are completely insane and I find my face aching from fake smiling at them, when in reality I want to scream at them!! But I did have a laugh too today. I'm a bit down though. I have a lot on my mind. Mainly the fact that my dad goes to have his operation tomorrow, and he's never been in hospital for anything, ever. It sucks to see your parents so worried, and I'm trying to be cheerful and positive around them, but of course I'm worried sick. It's going to be a hard day tomorrow. What's worse is that it isn't a local hospital, so I can't get there to see him until Saturday. I know he will be fine though. Just so very hard....... :(
Not really in the mood to write any more at the mo'. Maybe later. x :)

I must remember to keep filling this in. I don't keep a diary, which is a big regret of mine so I thought I'd manage to keep this up to date considering the amount of time I spend online. Oh, well, let me see...........

Can't think what I've done from Thursday......... Friday....work, Saturday...work! Stocktake!! :( Have to finish it today. I also had a lady come in (who keeps coming in) trying to get me to take on a project of casting a sculpture in glass. Up 'til now I've declined, even though it would be worth a lot of money to me, but I just am not comfortable working in that size. I specialise in pendants and fused glass, this is much more complicated, especially as the item in question is full of undercuts, which makes it HORRENDOUS for taking a cast from. It then will have to be done by the 'lost wax' method which is something I haven't attempted since University, and I hated it then. So many processes, for one piece and even then it will be hit and miss, because due to the shape of the item it will not be easy, nor financially viable for her, to have me make piece after piece, so I basically get one attempt. This lady is a local artist herself and said that if it turns out, there will be many other local artists that may want me to do the same for them, so I'm afraid I'm kind of hoping for it being unsuccessful, which may sound terrible, but this is going to take up my life for a good few weeks. Although saying that, I HATE failure. I just have a NEED with my glass to perfect my work. The Christmas stars for instance, a real low point, so simple, yet so frustrating. I've reluctantly agreed anyhow so watch this space....... :-s

Anyway, on a brighter note, had an old friend of ours round for drinks last night. It was lovely seeing him again, because he moved away some time ago but still has family up here. We had a lovely evening. I stayed off the drink AGAIN, because I said I'd drive him home, since he and Nick were both plastered by midnight!

I'm getting ready for work again as I write this. May add to it later.....xxxxx

Just come in from work. Really tired but relieved to have got my stocktake finished. Going to relax now this evening. Can't think of 'owt interesting to say. xx :)

Ooops. Not filled this in for a couple of days. Not much been happening really. Corey's birthday yesterday which was as chaotic as usual. He got SO many presents, I am going to have to have a clear out of his bedroom. Lovely to have all the family and friends round though.
Also met up with an old friend yesterday, which turned out to be one of the most perfect days. It's hard to realise how much you've really missed someone who's disappeared from your life, until you meet up again years down the line. I was so very happy. :)
Other than that, not much to report really. Off work today so going to just put my feet up and relax for a change!!! x

Ok. 5.00pm and bored of relaxing now. Spent the whole day chatting and daydreaming, thinking lots of happy thoughts. Really chirpy at the moment. :)

By 'eck it's been a busy one. I am surrounded by chaos at the minute. Seem to have spent today doing housework, and running round after the kids. Thought since the kiln is up and running ok, (touch wood) today would be a good day for having a good sort out of all my glasswork tools and odds and ends. Found all sorts I forgot I had, like bundles of silver chain so at least I can delay ordering more. Then had a good clean up, meant to clean the car, but didn't get round to it, can wait 'til tomorrow now. Then in the afternoon it was Corey's sports day. Hmmm..... always start panicking whenever he has to do something infront of other parents, he likes to attract attention to himself, all the time! Like the playgroup nativity, where as the inkeeper, thought it would be a great idea to shoot everyone with an imaginary laser gun. Sound effects and all. I'm always the parent with the red face and head in her hands. Today however, he wasn't too bad. He was acting silly a bit, but he has to be the class clown. Although I was ashamed when he started pointing and laughing at the top of his voice when any of the other children fell over. A bit useless at sport though, so he takes after his mum in that respect!

Afterwards had to go and take Sian through to Barrow to spend a small fortune on her for her weekend away with school. Considering it's an adventure weekend, where they will get mud up and wet, she wouldn't settle for anything less than what can only be described as completely impractical. Once again...definitely her mother's daughter!!

I think I'm more or less back to normal now. Had a good start to the day so far. Kiln is looking ok, although as I still have no idea what went wrong the first time, I feel a bit wary leaving it during a firing. Will run 2 or 3 more tests first before I risk putting any glass back in it though.

Just realised that it's Corey's sports day at school this afternoon, so I guess I'd better go and watch him after lunch. I don't mind going to see the primary school one but I didn't bother going to see Sian's at high school. Would bring back too many bad memories I think!!! She didn't want me there anyway. Any how, I have a busy morning planned, invoices to fill in, kiln shelf to order, need to get car cleaned, LOADS of tidying to do...... and then I have to pick up the kids from school and rush through to take Sian shopping for her school trip this weekend.

Hopefully have something exciting to write about later on, but I doubt it. :)

Well, I do feel a bit more myself today thank goodness. Still really tired though, but was cheered up immensely by someone with the knack of making me laugh even on my darkest days. Still not counting my chickens though, as I still don't feel quite on top form yet. I did however pluck up the courage to test fire my kiln for the first time since it was repaired last week. The relays were clicking, so I'm feeling quite positive. It's just a short simple program I'm running on it, a quick ramp upto 800'C and down to annealing temp, so it should be cool by the morning as opposed to the 20 hour firings I'm used to running. I will pop in first thing to check it, so hopefully it will be reading 'complete' instead of the hideous glowing disaster that I was met with after my last attempt. I'm just DYING to get back in there. Not having my kiln has been like losing a limb to me these past few months. I have so many new designs and ideas I want to get started on.

Still not 100%. Wish I could just shake off these feelings!! Can't put my finger on whether it's psychological or physical. It is not normal for me to feel this tired and bursting into tears for no apparent reason every so often. And I feel SO nauseous all the time. For several days now. I NEVER get ill.

Woke up this morning feeling a little better. But got tetchier as the morning went on, resulting in a blazing row with Nick. We're fine now, but that just shows. I mean, we bicker loads, LOADS, but not often do we row like that. I feel guilty now, although I didn't at the time. I was ready to pack my things and leave, and I don't think he would have stopped me. He really does mean the world to me and I should let him know that more often. Yes we do argue an awful lot, but we just work somehow. Like a hinge and bracket. He's my voice of reason in my silly world and no one else has ever kept me on the straight and narrow like he does. No one else would ever possess that skill, I don't think. However......we did have a nice day in the end, went shopping for Corey's birthday which is on Wednesday, looked at a possible new car for me, then a drive over the Langdales as it was such a beautiful day, and back for a barbeque.

Now I can feel depression descending again, and I don't know why the hell I'm feeling this way, and the more I dwell on it the worse I feel, so time to nip it in the bud I think and take myself to bed to try and sleep it off.

Hit a low today. This is a bit of a rarity for me. Yes, I suffer with PMT every month, but this wasn't that. I tend to look at the world through 'rose-tinted glasses' as only I can, so when something crap happens, it tends to hit that little bit harder. Won't go into the details, not because I don't want to, but because I wouldn't know where or how to start or even why so much. My head feels mushed. So many things have been happening lately some bad, some ok, but too many things for me to get my head around. I'm getting bad news from all angles, so trying to be strong and good humoured infront of people, but feel wretched for them inside. I have felt so horrendously ill all day, just extreme fatigue, over emotional, quite nauseous, a little tetchy, and I know it's all down to worry. I'm a born worrier. I can't help that. All I have to keep telling myself is that I'll be OK and back to my normal self in a few days. I know I will. But for now I need sleep. I haven't slept very well lately, and I am ever, ever so tired. If I go to bed now, I'm sure it will do me the world of good. Hopefully feel chirpier tomorrow. x

Oh, I also forgot. My mum called earlier to let me know that my dad's operation for his prostate cancer, has been scheduled for next Wednesday. Which is also Corey's 5th birthday. That's pretty bad timing. I will be worried sick. :(

Ok. Not such a fabulous day today. Began this morning and got gradually worse. First off, I couldn't find my car keys, which also had my works keys on too. Nick's fault, as he used them last night because he drove my car. 8.40am Corey should have been at school by then and I'm running round screaming, a) because he was still messing around and not getting ready for school, and b) my darling husband wasn't answering his phone to explain the whereabouts of my missing keys. In the end I had to phone my mum to take Corey as I was running incredibly late at this point. Eventually found the keys in Nick's pocket of his jeans. Exactly the kind of thing he goes mental with me for doing! *sigh*
So....in my rush to get to work, I think I must have left half my tyres at the junction of our road, as in my haste I left in a cloud of burning rubber. Proceeded to floor it down a country lane I was using to take a short cut, and nearly missed my turn off, which required what can only be described as a handbrake turn and nearly scared to death the poor guy coming out of said turn off. The ABS didn't sound too happy either. To top it all off, when I finally got too work, I managed to park my car in the front wall. Again. And proceeded to do EXACTLY the same thing when I came back from lunch. Well. I'm short. I can't see the bonnet. Nick must have altered my seat last night. Well let's blame him anyway.
The rest of the day went ok, until later in the afternoon, when I got a frantic phonecall from Sian demanding that I phone the school tomorrow. First thing. Panicstricken she was. Completely suicidal. I was terrified. Why was I to phone the school? Because she and her friend (who are going on an adventure weekend with her school year) despise the girls they have been put in a dorm with. So now I have to think of a tactful reason as to why my daughter and her friend are not to share a room with these girls and phone the school to explain. Her reason? They're not 'hygenic.' Point taken. Definitely her mother's daughter!

Oh, and did I get an apology from my hubby about the keys? Did I heck. I got a slap on the arse and a stupid grin!